number 374

she's probably the only person i ever like having on my right side, holding my right hand, leading me somewhere, anywhere.

i feel so pathetically submissive with only her in this way, and i'm really starting to like it.

number 373

i have the urge to learn how to drive stick shift...


possibly it has something to do with me liking to hold someone's hand when they drive stick.

number 372

that nightmare kinda brought all my worries to life in my mind.

i'm trying to keep my mouth shut because i don't want to say something prematurely and end up being wrong; i don't really know how she'll react...

number 371

finally everything stops for a while.

number 370

i like doing tech for other shows. i feel out of my element and it's refreshing to just not think about everything. for a baker show and such, i let my director side throw in ideas left and right; dance shows i'm only in tech mode. no directing. nothing else. just tech.

it really is refreshing in a way.

number 369

it's not that i want to leave anyone. i'd so much rather nothing changing and keeping everyone where they are [except the college kids who feel too far away] but seeing as that'll probably not happen, i'm finding everyway possible to stay here.

number 368

half of me wants to just cry



the other half wants to stand up and say,

"no, you're strong enough to find a way out. so start searching."

number 367

run down?

that's a lie.


i'm so far down now, it's like i dug my own grave.

number 366

i hate knowing i do this to her.


i hate not knowing, just as much though...

number 365

she said something about how things have gone downhill since her girlfriend broke up with her.


then i remembered what i find out this week.


i'll die if i leave.



i'll be beyond dead if she just decides to up and leave me...

number 364

i live for the moments when she lets me hold her close and be all sweet.

just like i used to live for the moments other people would make a move and be dominiant.

number 363

i really don't do whatever she says just because she says it. it just takes repetition to get me to do something.

number 362

i find it interesting that kristin figured out how submissive i am.

number 361

i forget how much i act like a lost little puppy most of the time

number 360

p.s. yelling profainities at me won't make me wanna eat.

number 359

maybe you didn't catch on exactly,

extream stress/pressure makes me not want to eat.

end of story

number 358

just one more week, one more week and i'll be free from obligations for baker unless it comes to drama exposed shows

then spring break, i'll have my for sure answer

then i'll know if i should be crying everytime i see her, or if everything will e completely fine...

number 357

that nightmare i had the other day, just might come true.

who knows, stress does lead to stomach ulcers, right?

number 356

so, i've realized, shelby is right. if i wanted to be a motherly figure to them, i would be. the only thing is, everytime i look at my brother, i see a stronger connection there than i have with my parents, thus i like thinking i'll be the sisterly figure to them.

also, i keep thinking i'll be a terrible mother to begin with...

number 355

i'm slowly worrying about my health again.

number 354

after i dyed my hair, i stopped and thought for a second "holy shit, if it were shorter, i'd look like stephh."

number 353

note to self: never get back massages

it'll only make you ache more...

number 352

i hate the s.a.t. with a burning passion

number 351

i'm starting to get that whole "survival of the fitest" tone to what i say...it kinda bothers me

number 350

that, was all impulse. i don't even remember thinking about slapping him, i just...slapped him.

number 349

maybe i am being a bitch, maybe i should be nicer to them...

number 348

i hate that i'm so much of a flirt.


but i love that it calms me down when i'm on the brink of losing it.

number 347

even through all of the scatter brained ness i'm dealing with, a voice deep down keeps yelling

"i want to fucking see her!"

and everytime i'm near her, that voice gets louder.

everytime i'm away from her, it trills on faster and faster as though subliminal messaging will make it happen...

number 346

i wish there were some way i could say, "she's all mine" and not feel like an easily jealous bitch...

number 345

everything about her being close with you, makes me feel more and more overprotective.

yes, it's mainly her.

number 344

i have a random obsession with blue, green, teal, and aqua.


it's really weird.

number 343

i feel like writing, but nothing comes.

number 342

something tells me i'm not gonna do well this quarter...

number 341

personality trait of mine that proves how feminine i am:

i'm overly obsessed with my physical image. my hair, my physique, my appearence in general...

it's almost sickening for me.

number 340

it's unhealthy how bad i want to dye my hair right now.

number 339

i feel like the worst girlfriend.

i'm hoping it can turn her mood around at least a little bit...

knowing my luck, it'll make it worse.

number 338

i still thinking about seeing her like i did friday...

i think i was so shocked i almost forgot to breath


it was...weird.

number 337

i want to take things on stage. >:O
ughh

number 336

i'd die if, by some miracle, her phone was on right now.


what i wouldn't give to talk to her.

number 335

i know all the wrong buttons to push i guess

number 334

that was the first time she's ever seemed to push religion on me...it feels so fucking uncomfortable, i felt like yelling but i could already feel her angst coming, so i bit my tongue


doesn't mean i believe a damn thing she said.

number 333

i seriously was freaking out when the zipper decided not to stay zipped...

number 332

things remembered.

i feel like going there and getting a nice pen and a zippo...but i have no clue why

number 331

"colorado has snow."

"colorado is somewhere new."

"colorado means we'll probably have a real fire place."

"colorado won't be that cold all the time."

"colorado won't have as many bigoted people as the other choices."

to tell the only one of those that made my ears perk up was the last one.

but still not enough for me to be ok with leaving her behind.

number 330

i'm much too sleepy nowadays.


i wanna be at her house. i sleep so much better there. and it's always warm at her house
:]

number 329

i feel like i'm grounded because i have my phone...but have like...almost no one to text.

this is gonna be a long ass month.

number 328

"what the hell was that damn dream about?!

it's going to drive me insane..."

that's what goes through my head a lot.

number 327

i can't remember who i really was in freshmen year.
everyone talks about who they were back then, and how much they've changed...


all i've done is tried to understand why i did everything and how i did everything, not change it all.

all i know is, i really don't like who i was then, so me not changing, does that mean i still don't like who i am?

i'd like to think i've grown to like myself quite a bit, compared to back then...?

number 326

why do i always feel the need to say that to who ever i'm getting close with before they go to bed?

i've always said it...it makes me wonder.

number 325

i think it's interesting how our wave lengths overlap from time to time still.