number 104

at the end of last school year, we were in baker's class after doing her exam and playing some game i forget what game.

one question was:
"would you rather be buried in the wrong grave or have a misspelling in your name put on your headstone?"

i seriously can't answer that.
one way is if i'm buried in the wrong grave, i'm where someone else's dead body should be. the headstone and everything is supposed to say whose buried there and such so when people go and leave flowers they're actually leaving them on the right grave. to me if the body isn't there, it isn't the right grave. yea, people won't know that when they pass by or anything, but still.

other thing is, if my name is on their wrong, it'll be awkward. i mean it's not really going to matter. no one really remembers people from their headstone, but what they did in real life. but what if my life wasn't spontanious enough to leave an impact so people will remember me?
but how will my headstone decide if they remember me?


i don't know.
i hate that question is all.

number 103

i usually don't think lowly of people around me. i try not to think highly of myself.
for all i know it'll be my downfall...i really don't want it to be.

i hate when i realize i'm thinking lowly of someone or thinking highly of myself. i try not to. you really don't know how hard i try to not think lowly of someone. no one can really understand how i try to let everyone have the benefit of the doubt now. last school year [freshman year] was a different story, but now i try so hard not to be that anymore.

number 102

another thing i've grown to realize, i crave the most random things when i'm on it.

as weird as this may sound, and weird, i really do crave random things. not just food or anything.
certian kinds of music, certian people to be around, certian things. [if you catch my drift]

i never noticed it until 3 years ago, but then was when i noticed the food part more, recently i realized the rest...

i'm not saying how recently.

[as a hint, i was starting to realize this before i started dating shelby]

number 101

i wonder if it's ever weird how moody i get.

when they would change my adderall dosage i got moody and snippy as hell all the time.

when i'm on my period i'm moodier than normal.

when i'm feeling sick i'm moody and insecure.

when i've pushed my limits, physically, mentally, or emotionally i'm even more moody and insecure.

when i feel ignored or forgotten i get moody to the point it's so disturbing i call myself mature.

i know, a lot of it "everyone goes through" and i'm "just over exaggerating" but really, i'm moody all the time, it gets worse though.

number 100

not only is this the only relationship i've been this comfortable in, but it's also my longest one [all at once], and the most stable one i've been in where i seem to find it so hard to keep her off my mind...

number 99

seriously, i've never felt this comfortable in a relationship...ever.

it's almost scary

number 98

i can't say i'm a morning person or a night person.

i can stay up way late, and wake up way early and be in, generally, an ok mood.

what bothers me is my parents have raised me [i'm putting this simply as possible] to never waste daylight. for school i wake up at 4. for most days i try to keep a schedule of like 6 or 7. i hate sleeping in late. i live off alarm clocks going off.

unfortunately, this also means my parents like to be in bed earlier and i can't have a life.
that, is why i hate calling somebody to hang out when i know they're sleeping and enjoying relaxation time.

number 97

i can function normally off 4 hours of sleep.
that is the least amount of sleep a body can function off of.


sometimes i wonder, is it unhealthy for me to be doing that at my age?

number 96

when i do something that doesn't really need a lot of thought put into the making of it, i put thought into it by making it look nice.

number 95

maybe it's just me, but when i wash dishes at work or home, i try my hardest to fit everything in the area i'm given, while making sure everything can air out or work on self drying.


it kinda pisses me off when others don't do it, but i'll never tell them to their face.

number 94

i can't stand saying goodbye, ever.

number 93

ever since that day at blue horseshoe, i've been questioning my parents' actions a little more and more each day.

number 92

many times i will stop and think about how people can get so close to me really quick [and also back away just as quick, and then just come and go as they need me] and i truely do wonder what it is exactly that makes people do that.

i've been told it's because i'm welcoming and calm, but why am i that way?

number 91

i do get absorbed in books that talk about how it all once was. how men over powered women mainly, and i get that deep down, gut-feeling that explains, yet again, why i truely do not believe in any higher being. higher power, a force like gravity, yes, i will believe; but nothing else.

number 90

perhaps it makes me a bad friend, perhaps it makes me a smart person, but when a friend comes up to me cry about how so and so was a bitch to them, i usually try to hear both sides before i start yelling.

my dad seems to think it means i'm not a good friend because of this, but i look at it as just being more rational.

many times i've had a friend run up to me cry about someone who i am also friends with. maybe that's how i started this, maybe it isn't.

number 89

of the people i meet, there are a few who can turn my mood around in the blink of an eye.


i tend to cling to these people.

number 88

i love scars.

:]

no, not the ones on my wrist or thigh, i mean the random deep gashes on my knees and arms that turn into these deep scars of doom.

number 87

yea, i get jealous randomly.


but i don't really say of who or what usually because i know it'll cause conflict.

number 86

sometimes, it seems people find it hard to suprise me, and when they do it's usually because i just over looked that option.

number 85

yes, even i'm suprised by my singing sometimes.

number 84

i don't think i could seriously tell everyone how much of a pathetic little girl i am sometimes.

but then i stop and think that if i don't, how will someone know to help me grow a spine?

number 83

i'm a "what if-er"

it's usually been my motive for everything.
why would i date someone like that?
well what if i find it's fun? what if i help them? what if i do them good?
then there's always the what if you hurt them? what if they hurt you? what if you hurt them, yourself, and others just because you found you got yourself in something terrible?

that's where i leave the gut instinct to answer for me. if it thinks the good what if's out way the bad [which does happen] then i take the chance.


look at me now, yea i'm depressed a lot, but my relationships usually help another in some way.

number 82

i seriously think of ways around anything and everything. as long as i have an answer, no matter how irrational it is, i still need an answer or solution.

number 81

nature tells me to be stubborn.

i don't know anyone else who would sing their favorite song and in the beginning of it start bawling, but still try to finish the song, because it doesn't feel right not finishing it.

number 80

again, to sound concited as any other teenagers out there, i like my eyes. well i love the color really.

it's possibly one of the only physical things of myself that i actually like 100 %.

number 79

perhaps i have said this before, but i will say it again:

i get really offended when people call me bi. not sure why, i just do.

also it bothers me when people try to convince me i'm wrong. if i say i like girls, i like girls. if i say i don't like guys, i don't like guys. i hate when people try to change my mind, or say i just need to experience more before i decide.
let me find out on my own please.

numer 78

i'm still quite afraid of sharks.

number 77

i really do hate getting asked things about my childhood, or my past in general. if i throw it out there and seem in the mood to talk about shit like that, then go right ahead and ask away.
but if i don't seem to want to talk, don't ask questions.

number 76

i crave perfection in myself, but i don't work for it because i know it'll change me.

blame my grandmother, blame t.v., blame whoever; it's probably the biggest reason why i only see negitives in myself.

number 75

it's almost pathetic how easy i cry

number 74

speaking of showers, i take long showers. [like 45 minute long showers]

this is for many reasons.

1. i shave, everyday

2. i'm very particular with how i wash my hair and such

3. because recently my face has actually been breaking out randomly, i have to wash it more than i ever used to

and 4. is probably the most weird...?

4. i actually have things running through my mind.
an example of this is when i was in 8th grade, i had a presentation to do for english. the morning of my presentation, i made the whole thing up in the shower.
example number 2: the pantomime i did for theatre, the day before it was do, i figured out the whole story line, my actions for it, and such. the music part i had to wait on of course, but the rest i actually figured out in the shower.

number 73

i get the urge to write at the most inapprotune times.

[ex. when mowing the lawn, mopping the floor, taking a shower, ect]

usually, by the time i can write/jot down my thoughts, they've escaped me.

number 72

i have a feeling deep down that my poetry is just failing me. it's all sounding so stupid or just not like it used to. i love my old stuff, but i don't remember how i ever wrote like that.

it only ever seemed to work when i was immensely depressed or angered; it pisses me off when i can't unlock that part of my mind when i feel content.

number 71

as concited as this may sound, i love taking random pictures [yes of myself]

but i do it more to study how i compose my face at the last second possible or see what different expressions may mean/say to me.

this also means i will stand in front of a mirror and make faces at it just to see what they look like and see what they make me think/feel.

number 70

i'm protective of my theatre friends more than a lot of my other friends.


not 100 % sure why though.

number 69

i get so tired of being a dominate person in relationships, but in my mind it only feels right when the dominate one is shower the other with gifts.

i just so happen to be the kind of person who likes spending money on people.

[for example see the picture]

maybe i'm destined to just stay dominate?

:/

number 68

i adore my brother's hair. or maybe i just obsess over it because of his lack of care for his hair. the way i always seem to see it is, if you're gonna have long hair, at least take care of it. one thing that absolutely bothers me, is when i see a guy walking around with hair longer than mine was freshman year, and their hair is all knotted up and greasy looking.

number 67

i tend to drop anything/everything bothering me for my friends if something is really bothering them

number 66

i have to cover every inch of my bread when i put stuff on it, if i don't i just feel weird about it.

number 65

i like crunchy peanut butter, the only problem is i have to put a lot on my bread so i don't rip the bread and peanut butter dries my mouth out way fast.

number 64

i don't like eating hot foods, but 3 of the 4 ways i'll ever eat meat is hot food.
[mongolian bbq, beef stew, mom's homeade cream of chicken soup]

number 63

i can't stand eating breaded food a lot. it makes my mouth feel to dry. i can only stand some bread foods, and for short amounts of time.