number 62

i might have said this before, or at least said it a lot, but when guys randomly start talking to me, i feel like i need to jump behind a wall of stone and cement, while i have a moat of swampy water that has spears pointing up in it, and a bunch of human harming animals in it. i seriously feel the need to distance myself from them for fear of them trying something and me not catching it until they try again.

number 61

maybe i am just making a stupid generalization, but it's something i've seen in a few other people. a lot of people who are libras, like to avoid conflict, and explination to why they act in ways most others would not act. they want to feel excepted in a way, so they try to avoid from pissing people off and they explain their abnormalities. rationalize them.

number 60

i don't know whether to be flattered or annoyed, but i a lot of people seem to like coming out to me, guys and girls. sometimes i think it's like i'm flaming enough that they all find me, and me being the lighthouse i am, i warn them on how to go about it, or i just sit and listen to them confessing everything.

number 59

sometimes i really wish i could be more girly or more boyish so i can stand out a little more. i want to live to the extream by being both girly and boyish. i want people to remember me for how much i could stand out when i wanted to stand out.

number 58

my levels of emotion are a bit off.
my happy and bored are close, they tend to intermingle and make awkward children.
my sad and bored are close too, but not as close as happy and bored.
then there's depressed, which is most people's depressed i guess.
but my happy, is the levels of any normal person's shear excitement is. when i'm happy and jittery, it's my happy, but anyone else's hyper.

number 57

sometimes i really do wish i made more money

number 56

if this country was really founded and made its own individual country in the name of diversity and freedom, it has tainted that name to the utmost degree when i have people at work, who damn the foreigners out of the country for not being "american".

they don't even know the concept to be a "true american" when they just kick everyone out whose slightly fuckin different.

number 55

i absolutely, dispise, with a burning passion and steaming balloon of hate in my core, when people take advantage of how i don't force my beliefs on others. it sickens me how everyone seems to think that if i don't say anything, means i don't have a belief either way, thus meaning they have to convince me to be on their side, or if i've made it obvious that i don't care for their belief [without saying anything to trigger a debate] that they still seem to think they can sway my thoughts to matching their's.

number 54

i like when i'm close to under weight [but still healthy weight] a lot of people in my family have drifted to over weight and stayed there, but when i can get myself at the weight i want and stay there, i feel accomplished and comfortable.

it's even got to the point that when i eat the same but start doing more and i gain weight, even if it's a lie, i tell myself i'm gaining weight from muscule so i don't get discouraged.

number 53

i love being on my meds. i feel more in control and just...at ease with myself almost.

when i'm not in control i end up acting like a child who was never disiplined by their parents, simply because i don't like yelling at myself and telling myself to stop when i'm like that.

number 52

many mornings [or early afternoons] i stop and actually think about if i took my meds or not.

then i end up having to think through my whole morning just to see if i did.

i can never tell the difference in the way i act when i'm on it or not at that exact moment, i can only tell later on when i seem hyper and sleepy as a child who keeps eating buckets and buckets of candy.

number 51

i wonder how the world can be so hateful all the time, especially in our country. the country of acceptance and diversity.

i really do wonder.

number 50

i'm determined to try changing my shampoo and conditioner to see what it'll do to my hair because garnier fructis smells weird to me at times.

number 49

i'm determined to buy a cat/have a cat once sal dies, and it will be my cat, and when i move out, it will go with me.

number 48

there's a weed in my backyard, that's probably about 6 ft.



i'm supreamly jealous.

number 47

all of my psychs have told me time and time again that there is something wrong with me. that i feel i can only be happy if others are, and that's bad for me and my happiness.

as devon has told me, probably a thousand times, i am in control of my own happiness; but i keep thinking i can't truely be happy until everyone around me is absolutely happy, thus bringing my happiness down.

sometimes i wish i could really change that. it's the root of all reasons why people drop me in a second's notice or pull away from me so much, but i'm afraid that if that one thing changes, something else will change that i don't want to loose.

number 46

when i randomly feel optimistic, i try making everyone around feel the same way because i'm afraid of being around someone whose pessimistic when i'm optimistic. i have 2 reasons, thus far, on why.

1. i don't want it to drag my mood down, because i know times like these only roll around when they feel like it.

2. it's just my natural instinct to begin with. i always want to make people happy, but when i'm like this, it's more to the extream.

number 45

i have decided that my eye color looks closest to this. occasionally there's green, but in general, i think that matches it well. usually it's grey and blue that's just randomly mixed, but yea. i think that matches it well.

:]

number 44

i really do feel intimidated probably 90 % of the time
i think it kinda leads into my paranoia and insecurity greatly, but i don't really know how to fix it.

number 43

i have come to realize the method to my madness.

if i feel commited to someone, and i suddenly think i like someone else [not as much as the person i'm commited to obviously] and i know the person i kinda like has no feelings of that nature for myself, then i tell them i like them because i know they'll do one of 2 things.

one: completely didstance themselves from me which would result in those feelings for them to drastically wane.

2: they'll talk to me about it, possibly result in some awkwardness [which if too awkward for them i will put up distance] and usually it helps me confront my feelings for them and suffocate said feelings until it's just a dull roar in my mind which i ignore.

number 42

i really don't like the feeling of being rushed in any way, shape, or form. that's why i wake up at insane hours in the morning to get ready.

number 41

i don't know wheather to call this pride, or not; but when i ever do ask for help on my writing [mainly my poems] i sift through the ideas i'm given and fix what is pointed out if i desire to fix it. sometimes i'll keep the idea i was given in the back of my mind for future reference while writing another poem, but that's it.
perhaps it's my style i like, perhaps it's my form i type them in, i don't know. what i do know is there are somethings i just can't allow myself to change when i follow a critique on a poem of mine. if i have a distinct way i have my poems that makes them stick out in peoples' minds, then i'm sticking with it. i want people to remember them, i couldn't careless if they all know what they're about exactly. i mean honestly, 50 % of the time, when i go back to a really old poem, the only way i know who it's about is by the date i purposely try to remember to put at the top of them. sometimes i even confuse myself by just reading a poem of mine, but it's ok. i like when people have to know me and piece everything together to figure out my poems.

number 40

for some reason, i find studying human behavior and the reasons for it and such, amazing. i love finding reasons why people thing they do, why those actions seem correct in their minds, everything.

but seeing as i usually guess and check, i never want to be a psychologist or anything because i'm afraid of messing up.

number 39

i could waste a day, and never know it, by myself, by just looking at my astrological sign and zodiac sign and how both of them really do make up my character.

number 38

i love looking/feeling more masculine. it means i have confidence though, and i never can find that confidence when i really want it...

number 37

i feel the need to shave my arms daily. [my legs i can kinda deal with]

number 36

i live for other people. making sure they are comfortable, have what they need, and doing everything i humanely [or as close to inhumanely as i can get] can do to make them happy.

number 35

call me what you'd like, but i love knowing i can please someone's physical needs.

[yes i mean that in the way you think i mean it]

number 34

i'm a pyro-fenatic and it seems, that to everyone else, it's "creepy".

number 33

i'm afraid of babies.


until they can walk and/or talk [speaking somewhat clearly] i don't really want to be involved with them.

number 32

i believe every occation, is a different occation.
people say "this is the same as that one time..."
but really, i think it's a lie. everything is unique in it's own way. the people in the situations are different, the conflicts in the situations are different, ect.

everything changes, if just one thing is changed.

number 31

most of the time, the way i solve my problems or get over things, is just by ignoring them, or keeping them to myself.

number 30

joe and i have always seemed to be humble people when it came to anyone
[although i learned how to be a leader when i needed to be while still keeping my humble-ish ness in my personality]
but i have begun to think that, the little bit of humble-ness i posess is the reason i can never seem to take compliments well and reply to them.

number 29

when someone i'm not particularly close with tells me i did something good, i feel embarrassed, but good about myself.

number 28

i know i'm self-image-absorbed. everyone knows that.
i don't need reminding of it.

number 27

i hate not being around friends at something big-ish like warped.

for many reasons really:

1. i always seem to look like a sad, lost puppy looking for their owner, whenever i'm alone

2. i feel unimaginably more insecure when i'm surrounded by people i don't know at places like those

3. if i'm in a pit or something, my friends actually look out for me and make sure someone doesn't kill me [as i do the same for them]

4. again, in a pit or something, i'm surrounded by my friends, and they know me, people aren't looking at me like some weirdo as i get flung from one side of a circle pit to the other side and laugh about it.

and lastly,
5. because in the end, if something happens to a friend of mine, i wanna be one of the first ones to help them, and if not, i wanna be one of the first few to know/see what's going on. i loathe, with a burning passion, hearing what happened through a friend of a friend or something. [i guess that's where my trust issues jump in a little]
also, in the end of it all, i end up beating myself up, thinking "if i had been there..." if i really had been there, i would know i would have tried my hardest and if it wasn't enough, it wasn't enough; but i would have known i still was there and trying.

number 26

sometimes i have random music crazes. like i'll want to listen to regina spektor out of nowhere.

the odd thing is when i come to jazz or classical music. i know like none of the song names so i feel lost when i look for a song i'd like.

number 25

i absolutely hate statistics. they always make me more defensive.

number 24

i hate my hair being it's natural color, with a burning passion. it feels so dull and boring, but i can't find a color i'm allowed that i'd be comfortable with...

thus i think that might be why i obess over my hair as i do. if i can't get a color i'd like, i'll make it styled and feeling as i'd like.

number 23

i love the fact that people say she's changed for the better since we started dating;
but still, whenever i look at the old stuff, from people telling her to get as far from me as possible, i die just a little bit more inside.
i end up feeling this mix of anger, depression, and a pinch of arrogence.

number 22

i push my limits a lot of the time. if something weights more than me, and i really want to lift it, i will try until i either succeed or become so physically exhausted that i'll probably pass out.

number 21

i obsess over muscules. even when i was younger, i wanted to have a toned fit body, and not with like those abnormally gross looking bicepts, but muscular bicepts.

number 20

when people say "oh you and _____ are just so cute together"
[this is for any person i've ever been close with]

i feel happy that they approve,
but also uncomfortable because i can never tell if they're being sarcastic.

number 19

i've found that being a bar aid/bar bitch is fun for me. if we had more business, it'd be better, but still, it's fun.

number 18

i always was unsure of why i felt so close to lauren collins at the end of the school year [07-08 year]

and i came up with some reasons why...

1. because during the women she was the only senior [with the exception of kaylin] who showed me some respect and she remained quite level headed when something seemed off tech wise

2. because after the women she still seemed to show me at least some respect [more than most of the other seniors]

3. because she had become my role model when it came to stagemanaging

4. because she never babied me when i complained. everyone always complains about how she acts like such a bitch or whatever, but she just tells it like it is. she doesn't hold back. whenever i did complain i would almost always know someone would be there to baby me, but she didn't and for some reason it made me happy.

5. because she always seemed to make me see how i could fix things, made me feel like i could actually change things, and that made me not give a fuck about what everyone else was saying. she made me jump into my optimistic mood out of nowhere and i'd stay that way for a while.

number 17

i don't really remember my age anymore.
i remember it as i'm 2 years younger than joe, and joe is 2 years older than me, so when someone askes for either one i have to stop and seriously think it out and count.

number 16

a lot of the time i don't use big words in writing or typing simply because i know my spelling is horrifying.

number 15

i can't STAND saying the word "y'all". i know people who say it, i am cool with people who say it, i don't think lowly of the people who say it, just when i say it or type it, i feel like i'm dumbing myself down more than normal.

number 14

i hate when people at work always complain about the foreigners who work with us. yea, some of them might not be the best workers, but suck it up or leave. i always hear a comment that sounds derrogetory coming from my co workers and it makes me feel so uncomfortable/paranoid/insecure.

number 13

i have come to the sudden realization that my dear cat, is getting to be old. about the same age my first cat was when he died. it seriously makes me cry thinking about it. i know i'm going to sound stupid saying this, but that cat has made one of the bigger impacts on my life. i seriously could be holding back tears, and he just knows to walk up and purr til i pet him and start to calm down. i could be pissed beyond belief, and he knows if he should let it run its course, or if he should distract me.
i love that cat.
i really do wonder how i'll be without him...

number 12

i hate saying i'm atheist and/or a lesbian around anyone i know who heavily believes in a religion [ex. a dedicated christian] even if they haven't shown a problem with me before hand. i end up becoming afraid of the feel of our ideas clashing. plus there's the fact that i despise flaunting about my thoughts and beliefs, i know they're not "better" than anyone elses, and i try not to act to show that i think otherwise.