number 228

i don't think i've ever had a day quite like today...

number 227

i find it interesting he knows something is bothering me and i'm not acting all that different.

plus he hasn't asked me 20 questions...i think he's learning

number 226

i guess that's why yesterday seemed so bad...

number 225

i guess that's why yesterday seemed so bad...

number 224

everytime i read something about inferiority complex, i get more and more frustrated.

number 223

i remember them yelling at me about how i raise my voice so easily and try to talk down to them.

honestly, i know why i do it, i just don't want to say it because they'll give me a long talk again.

number 222

i've been asked why i celebrate christmas if i don't believe in the religious side of the holiday.

i've had people immediately assume i celebrate it for the presents, just like any selfish, child ish brat would.

and as cheesey and unlike me this may sound, i really like the holiday for family together ness.
not only in my family, but amongst people i would consider close enough to me to be called my family...

number 221

i have realized i make no sence.

i constantly say i want people's trust and so on, but really i don't trust myself
so why should i assume others will trust me
if i don't even trust myself?

number 220

for some reason it feels like more than one of the people i truely was incredibly attached to, doesn't care anymore...
i don't think i should feel like she's stabbing me in the back everytime she runs to comfort you, but you probably need her help more than i do...

number 219

too attatched too soon?

possibly.

will i change that?

not likely.

setting myself up to get hurt again?

more than likely.

number 218

yea, sometimes i do wonder who i'm yelling at too.
perhaps i'm just becoming what i always hated.
but whatelse is fucking new?

number 217

news flash: no one is fucking perfect.
you don't have to state that you're not.
all it does is remind everyone else that they're not either.

number 216

sometimes i really wonder...

number 215

maybe if i didn't make out with her in public, people wouldn't stare? try only seeing said person in public. things will enevitably happen, people will stare, and it's not only making out, even holding her hand, people stare at us.

number 214

i honestly wish there were either
more guys like roy and bobby in the world,
or no guys in the world except guys like roy and bobby.

number 213

i hate sharing. i really do.

number 212

reason 2 why i wish i were born a guy: other guys wouldn't be trying to convince my girlfriend that i should share her with them.

number 211

reason one why i wish i were born a guy: i wouldn't have random guys staring at me and my girlfriend when i make out with her.

number 210

it's turning out to be one of those nights that make me wish i were dead.

number 209

i still listen to that cd

number 208

i hate when i help tech a show and there are people who have their own individual group that's them and they just sit and bullshit the whole time.

it hurts the trust and respect i have for them, which makes it hard for me to work with them.

number 207

i'm sorry for loosing it with you like i have been, i just hate seeing you like that and knowing i can't do anything to make you better.

number 206

whenever someone massages my shoulders and neck, they always tell me i'm stressed because i have a knot on either shoulder.

number 205

i can feel my body slowly shutting down it feels like.

i'm too exhausted to do anything.

number 204

i wanted to a make a point of telling the actors i know better, "break a leg" right before their show.

number 203

hormones are demonic little devils.

number 202

that one line always makes me stop and feel bad.

number 201

i hate how he always makes me feel interrogated.

number 200

i'm really close to giving them the letter.

number 199

i may be able to be tamed
to be trained
to be taught


but i am, by no fucking means, someone's pet, toy, or fad.

i'm used enough as it is, i'm not letting someone younger than me by more than a year think she can use me too.


prejudging? yea, i just might be doing that, but i observe enough to catch on from what others say, rather than trusting her.

number 198

i wish the style of clothes i like, went with the style i like.



is it so hard to ask for a hoodie just how i like it?



maybe i'm just too picky...

number 197

for the first time in a while, i thought of you...a lot.

of course i wasn't thinking of you in a platonic sense, at least i'm pretty sure it wasn't platonic feelings i suddenly felt. all i know is it inspired me to think of it all from your point of view.

to think up a character just like me, and to tell it from someone else's point of view...it scared me honestly...

number 196

people both sicken and excite me.

number 195

it's quite rare, but i find myself getting that itch. that one that tells me, compells me, to act. yes, i greatly enjoy tech, but for some reason i want to be the one on stage right now...

number 194

when i'm tired i seem to talk and never hear what i say.

number 193

you asked before, if i even try to catch the bus. my answer being no because i like getting a ride in to school with you. it's like our time. it's like my time to feel comfortable and relaxed. i feel like there is nothing to worry about for a while...

number 192

i demand a lot of myself, but nowhere near as much of others.

number 191

i don't trust myself the slightest bit.

number 190

i prefer to bury myself in everything possible that i usually seem into so people might not catch on to the fact that something is bothering me.

number 189

i seem to fail, the one time i actually try.

number 188

i like that i've grown in theatre and that it has helped me learn to control my emotions for the most part, i just wish i was allowed to practice it more.



i also wish i'd get a chance to see if i can even fake an emotion well enough that people believed it, but i never get to try it, so i never know if i'm any good at it.

number 187

i cry so damn easy, it's almost pathetic.

number 186

nothing has ever died while i was holding it before...i feel sick knowing it happened like that

number 185

i feel like it's all my fault.

shauna...


aimee...



...just...everything

number 184

i still cry when i think about it all.

number 183

maybe i really am bad for people.

number 182

when i really want something, i try for it like you don't know, but i won't allow myself to do anything biased if i think it'll effect the outcome greatly.

when i don't get that something though, i mope and complain a little, but not as bad as others. at least, i try not to.

number 181

i always feel weird when someone in the grade above or below me shows an interest in me now. i don't know why.

number 180

i've never honestly been this nervous before doing a performance.



usually i can use the energy i have from the anxiety, but right now, i don't know how to...

number 179

what they want matters more than what i want now because there's more of them and like i said, i already got what i wanted.

what you want matters as much as what they want, thus i leave it to you all. i'm keeping out of it until a choice is made...

number 178

the vast majority of the students in drama exposed mean the world to me on days like these.

number 177

i can't tell if i really do still like her, or if she bothers me more than i like her.

number 176

i hate that i miss everyone so much.

number 175

it doesn't matter what i want anymore. i got what i wanted and now it's your turn to get what you want.

number 174

i still can't decide if i want to pull you close and whisper it to you, shout it out for everyone to hear, or ignore it completely in fear of rejection.

not to mention the awkward rift that would appear in drama exposed...

number 173

my pride hurts me most in the end, so they would think, but is it really my pride or is it my loyalty that hurts me most?

number 172

part of me wants to tell you to get out of my life so your friends will have their way and finally drop the subject, but part of me doesn't want to give them the satisfaction of winning.

number 171

if this is karma, then i guess it likes to hit twice as hard when it can.

number 170

freshman year : ragged on for being the underside of society in school.

sophmore year : awkward phase when comfort and security appear, but still not feeling accepted.

junior year : always hearing "you should know better, you're an upperclassmen now" blamed for a lot of shit that could have been prevented.

senior year : a path i fear to go down.

number 169

isn't it amazing how i can stay after school for the longest time, trying to mellow out and distract myself so i won't go home pissed off, but when i get home i'm pissed anyways because the second i walk through the door, something demands my attention in that one second.


and isn't it just amazing how when she's headed for bed, she realizes she zoned out on the fact i haven't eaten dinner because i was bombarded the second i walk through the door?

isn't it amazing how she really didn't care?

number 168

i need to learn how to be stronger...help me become just that

number 167

i put a lot of energy into shows when i can because i know i'm going to sap energy from it later on

number 166

i hate how sometimes i still feel like i'm hurting you...

number 165

i wish you were older...so bad

number 164

some songs still are effecting me and reminding me how much i miss you...



they shouldn't be

number 163

thinking i've lost weight both scares and pleases me.

number 162

i love girls.


just felt like restating this.

number 161

have i mentioned on here before that i think jeph jacques [maker of questionablecontent.net] is a godly man amongst men?

no?


well i think he is.
:]

number 160

clothes = seriously overrated

number 159

wow, i even forgot i could be this much of a bitch.

number 158

maybe i'm the only one who finds it so terrible, but you seem to be on my mind a lot...


you shouldn't be.


i went down this path last year.


i forced myself to get over you then.


it shouldn't be a craving i feel still.

number 157

it shouldn't be this hard. we weren't that close. we did get close fast, but we weren't really close...

number 156

i still don't see what's so bad with a 3 year age difference...

number 155

allow me to complain when i say this

i worked my ass off to gain their complete trust, to feel comfortable in this damn house, to be allowed to escape to that school so i could be somewhere where i felt completely at home; now, as i know what this whole situation means, i feel mainly hate for all that trust being thrown into a fire right in front of me.

number 154

i haven't cried anywhere near this much ever since august when i realized stephh was leaving for college in a week and i wouldn't see her as often.

number 153

irony: when the unexpected happens, divided into 3 sub groups.

situational irony: when a character doesn't anticipate something and it occurs to their suprise

dramatic irony: when the reader knows what is going to happen, but the character doesn't

verbal irony: irony that is spoken by a character, sarcasm is an example


with my recent events, i think someone out there saw it coming, does that make it dramatic irony?

number 152

just need someone now, to tame the beast further more...

number 151

once upon a time, it all started with a school project thing


skipping all the bullshit in the middle that explains how we got here



and then all she did was cry and cry in the end.

number 150

i don't think i've ever felt like more of a fucking bad influence as i did/do today.

isn't it just dandy fucking up everyone's life you care about?

number 149

weird how it was completely true you say?

weird how immediately i knew i was going to fuck up.

number 148

i really do wonder if some of them just have me around to make it seem as if they'll forgive me, but know deep down that they won't.

number 147

i have a lot of friends i feel insecure around, but something still draws me towards them.

number 146

whether she's mad at me still or not, i'll probably never know, and not only because of the physical distance between her and i; but i still do think she's the best thing since sliced bread. everytime i'll see her, i'll still jump into her arms and act as though nothing has ever happened.

that doesn't mean i still love her in the sence that i dream about her. she's happily taken and i'd never interfere with that. she's just the one person who looks out for me it feels like now. the one who looks out for me and everyone surrounding me even after she's graduated.

how i wish i could see her right now. i could use her shoulder to cry on this time. i'm pretty sure she's the only one i can cry to at this time.

number 145

is it bad that i've forgotten how to cry in front of anyone?

number 144

i need to be 18
i need to drive
i need to have fun on my own
i need to see people
i need to have time

i want it all right now, so bad.

number 143

the male gender is so much like dogs, that i find it too hard to be with any girls in public when it's obvious i'm a lesbian.

number 142

cake on my mask, thick as can be, i 'm becoming tired of what they always see, change me burn me, anyway you can, just make it reversable so i can come back.

number 141

times like these i wish i weren't me.

number 140

i hate knowing he's this pissed about something. he's an, overall, calm, down to earth, caring guy, but knowing he snapped like that scares the fuck out of me...

number 139

i never can feel too comfortable with many guys, but when i find myself quite comfortable with one, i feel like i could trust them with almost anything.

number 138

oh no, disaster in the real world.
a lesbian can have a friend whose straight and really close?!

when did this become ok?



T.T

that is why i don't want to say who the good friend is...

number 137

when i said before i was searching for someone, someone who reminded me of her, someone i said i found, i have come to realize, i haven't. she's more like the other close friend of mine. the other friend that saved me a lot last year.

one minor difference, she's like the first one in the way that she's come to me for help. the second one never asked for my help, she took care of herself or just didn't need me.

i want her to feel more...bold, strong really, since i've realized she's covering the bases that 2 covered before.

number 136

so, i live by what everyone else says. it bothers them, i try not to do it. i'm ruled by what others think or say so i can try to keep them happy. maybe i do it because i can't decide either way, maybe i just don't care about my own opinion, maybe i still don't think i'll ever deserve to be trusted by myself.

number 135

i am a pro choice person. i feel like people make choices to do things and it's all for a reason.

when i saw that pro life bulletin devon posted, i couldn't help but repost it because i knew i'd want someone to do the same for me. sure i don't support what all of my friends believe, but that doesn't mean i won't help them get their voice heard if they want it heard.


does that make me sound too much like i'm contridicting myself?

number 134

i can say her name easier than i can type it.
i can say the situation easier than i can type it.
i can rant about the whole story easier than i can let myself think about it alone.

many don't believe me when i say i hurt. "you're the one who left her and hurt her"

too many think i'm some cold, heartless bitch who doesn't care about her at all. who let her drop off the face of my world and didn't try to save her.

all of them don't know that i cry every time i hear she's not doing better.

they don't know i check on her all the time when i can.

no one knows i'm crying at this second because i still can't get over how much i hurt her and how i wish i could stop her from hurting.

number 133

i smile when i think she's doing better.


i smile more when i imagine her happier with someone else.


i smile knowing she'll get better.



i feel that smile fade when i want to talk to her...

number 132

maybe it's weird i don't trust myself. maybe it's natural for me to not trust myself. maybe i'm making others think i'm not worth trusting. maybe others make me think i'm not worth trusting...

number 131

i guess i'm not allowed to act out of character...at least that's what everyone keeps making it seem like...


but i wonder, i say i'm acting out of character. out of the lines i've drawn around myself...they say i'm just keeping myself inside of it. part of wonders who is right. the other part says fuck it and does what it feels like anyway.

number 130

just because i act like i don't like you the slightest bit, become annoyed with you very easily, and say that you piss me off a lot, doesn't mean i can't remain professional with how i act during rehearsals or in a show with you. i've worked with a couple handfulls of people i never wanted to work with, but i didn't let that get in the way, so stop saying i do let it get in the way...

number 129

i've come to realized i always think up excuses for myself because i hate thinking irrationally. i want to know there's a reason to everything i do.

number 128

i like knowing i can lead others, but when i have to do something i can't really do, i find it too hard to actually do it and lead others to do it...

number 127

this is the first year since forever ago, that part of me is actually excited about my birthday...

number 126

i loathe when i can't write. when no inspiration strikes or when i can't figure out how to form the words the way i want them so i can have the pretty picture in front of me. it drives me insane.

number 125

i used to wish with all my might, that i were all knowing, but now, i'd die if i were that way. knowing everything about everyone, would kill me.

number 124

i understand everyone is their own individual human being formed by their own hands and mixed with their own passions and so on.

one thing i found i can't stand, as hypocritical as it sounds sometimes, is i hate when people don't take initiative and ask someone something on their own. when people have to ask someone to ask someone else something for them.

number 123

i've realized posess a simalar thought process as benjamin franklin. it's kinda awkward really.

number 122

i previously stated how much i hate when my friends start liking things i like, an exception i've found is with music sometimes. mainly courtney singletary. she's listening to heavier music and i actually feel like i can be on the same page with her when it comes to music. most other people can't put up with the heavier music i like.

i could go and have a headbanging fit with courtney out of nowhere.
:D

number 121

i have realized why my relationships never really lasted in the school year.



what i have also realized is i was always too weak to just suck it up and stick with it.

number 120

i hate when i like something then all my friends start liking it too. i try to aim outside of what they do so i can be original, or just be as different from them as i feel sometimes, and out of nowhere, they all start adventuring into things i like. then...i don't feel as unique as i know i am.

number 119

i'm embarassed to say i read twilight and am kinda excited for the movie now because of the fan base...

number 118

i hate when someone says right out, that i'm emo. especially if it's the first thing someone says to me after being away for 2 years.

number 117

ever wanna feel young?


be friends with everyone in classes higher than your's.

number 116

i look back at my experience in chorus all those years ago and say "that is why i dropped out of it." to so many things.

number 115

i can read body language for the most part, but i swear, it's bothers me when i can't read someone's.

number 114

i don't like when i have something i hold close to me that my parents know about. it makes me feel like they're always prying in when they're around at unnessessary times.

number 113

i hate sitting in english and answering questions and explaining my answer because everyone seems to think i'm some show off-y kiss ass bitch who knows everything about everything.


it's also why i hate answering questions in any class, but english more than the others.

number 112

i go back and reread that message from devon sometimes and i feel like shit that i have the reputation of doing stupid things to people...

number 111

oh and p.s.

i fucking love you.
everything about you.
that smile, that look you get.
everything.
that poem wasn't a lie.
i really do always want you around.
i'd prefer you over quite a few people just because i feel so incompletely when you're gone.

number 110

ever sit back and remember that "hey, i have no reason to worry. someone out there loves me."

number 109

sometimes, i feel like i'm running on a different frequency.

number 108

any thought of my doctor "weening" me off of adderall makes me feel scared.

number 107

i'm an anime fan, not fenatic, but a fan.

it comes and goes though.

number 106

sometimes i'm even caught off guard by how much i love pens. i'm a weird fenatic i guess you could say. i look at different kinds and i judge them based on how long they last and how well they write [in my opinion] and which ones i trust. i don't really prefer a particular brand, i trust uniball a little more, but that doesn't always mean i prefer it. it depends on what i'm getting them for.

for me to love them, they have to be able aid me when i need to write a paper and when i feel like inking a picture or design i made...

number 105

as disturbing as this may sound to anyone who understands what it is, i kinda have a thing for yuri.

not in the way that ombm it turns me on, but i like the art. it's interesting for me to look at the fan pics people have done. i actually judge which ones i like and why and so on.

number 104

at the end of last school year, we were in baker's class after doing her exam and playing some game i forget what game.

one question was:
"would you rather be buried in the wrong grave or have a misspelling in your name put on your headstone?"

i seriously can't answer that.
one way is if i'm buried in the wrong grave, i'm where someone else's dead body should be. the headstone and everything is supposed to say whose buried there and such so when people go and leave flowers they're actually leaving them on the right grave. to me if the body isn't there, it isn't the right grave. yea, people won't know that when they pass by or anything, but still.

other thing is, if my name is on their wrong, it'll be awkward. i mean it's not really going to matter. no one really remembers people from their headstone, but what they did in real life. but what if my life wasn't spontanious enough to leave an impact so people will remember me?
but how will my headstone decide if they remember me?


i don't know.
i hate that question is all.

number 103

i usually don't think lowly of people around me. i try not to think highly of myself.
for all i know it'll be my downfall...i really don't want it to be.

i hate when i realize i'm thinking lowly of someone or thinking highly of myself. i try not to. you really don't know how hard i try to not think lowly of someone. no one can really understand how i try to let everyone have the benefit of the doubt now. last school year [freshman year] was a different story, but now i try so hard not to be that anymore.

number 102

another thing i've grown to realize, i crave the most random things when i'm on it.

as weird as this may sound, and weird, i really do crave random things. not just food or anything.
certian kinds of music, certian people to be around, certian things. [if you catch my drift]

i never noticed it until 3 years ago, but then was when i noticed the food part more, recently i realized the rest...

i'm not saying how recently.

[as a hint, i was starting to realize this before i started dating shelby]

number 101

i wonder if it's ever weird how moody i get.

when they would change my adderall dosage i got moody and snippy as hell all the time.

when i'm on my period i'm moodier than normal.

when i'm feeling sick i'm moody and insecure.

when i've pushed my limits, physically, mentally, or emotionally i'm even more moody and insecure.

when i feel ignored or forgotten i get moody to the point it's so disturbing i call myself mature.

i know, a lot of it "everyone goes through" and i'm "just over exaggerating" but really, i'm moody all the time, it gets worse though.

number 100

not only is this the only relationship i've been this comfortable in, but it's also my longest one [all at once], and the most stable one i've been in where i seem to find it so hard to keep her off my mind...

number 99

seriously, i've never felt this comfortable in a relationship...ever.

it's almost scary

number 98

i can't say i'm a morning person or a night person.

i can stay up way late, and wake up way early and be in, generally, an ok mood.

what bothers me is my parents have raised me [i'm putting this simply as possible] to never waste daylight. for school i wake up at 4. for most days i try to keep a schedule of like 6 or 7. i hate sleeping in late. i live off alarm clocks going off.

unfortunately, this also means my parents like to be in bed earlier and i can't have a life.
that, is why i hate calling somebody to hang out when i know they're sleeping and enjoying relaxation time.

number 97

i can function normally off 4 hours of sleep.
that is the least amount of sleep a body can function off of.


sometimes i wonder, is it unhealthy for me to be doing that at my age?

number 96

when i do something that doesn't really need a lot of thought put into the making of it, i put thought into it by making it look nice.

number 95

maybe it's just me, but when i wash dishes at work or home, i try my hardest to fit everything in the area i'm given, while making sure everything can air out or work on self drying.


it kinda pisses me off when others don't do it, but i'll never tell them to their face.

number 94

i can't stand saying goodbye, ever.

number 93

ever since that day at blue horseshoe, i've been questioning my parents' actions a little more and more each day.

number 92

many times i will stop and think about how people can get so close to me really quick [and also back away just as quick, and then just come and go as they need me] and i truely do wonder what it is exactly that makes people do that.

i've been told it's because i'm welcoming and calm, but why am i that way?

number 91

i do get absorbed in books that talk about how it all once was. how men over powered women mainly, and i get that deep down, gut-feeling that explains, yet again, why i truely do not believe in any higher being. higher power, a force like gravity, yes, i will believe; but nothing else.

number 90

perhaps it makes me a bad friend, perhaps it makes me a smart person, but when a friend comes up to me cry about how so and so was a bitch to them, i usually try to hear both sides before i start yelling.

my dad seems to think it means i'm not a good friend because of this, but i look at it as just being more rational.

many times i've had a friend run up to me cry about someone who i am also friends with. maybe that's how i started this, maybe it isn't.

number 89

of the people i meet, there are a few who can turn my mood around in the blink of an eye.


i tend to cling to these people.

number 88

i love scars.

:]

no, not the ones on my wrist or thigh, i mean the random deep gashes on my knees and arms that turn into these deep scars of doom.

number 87

yea, i get jealous randomly.


but i don't really say of who or what usually because i know it'll cause conflict.

number 86

sometimes, it seems people find it hard to suprise me, and when they do it's usually because i just over looked that option.

number 85

yes, even i'm suprised by my singing sometimes.

number 84

i don't think i could seriously tell everyone how much of a pathetic little girl i am sometimes.

but then i stop and think that if i don't, how will someone know to help me grow a spine?

number 83

i'm a "what if-er"

it's usually been my motive for everything.
why would i date someone like that?
well what if i find it's fun? what if i help them? what if i do them good?
then there's always the what if you hurt them? what if they hurt you? what if you hurt them, yourself, and others just because you found you got yourself in something terrible?

that's where i leave the gut instinct to answer for me. if it thinks the good what if's out way the bad [which does happen] then i take the chance.


look at me now, yea i'm depressed a lot, but my relationships usually help another in some way.

number 82

i seriously think of ways around anything and everything. as long as i have an answer, no matter how irrational it is, i still need an answer or solution.

number 81

nature tells me to be stubborn.

i don't know anyone else who would sing their favorite song and in the beginning of it start bawling, but still try to finish the song, because it doesn't feel right not finishing it.

number 80

again, to sound concited as any other teenagers out there, i like my eyes. well i love the color really.

it's possibly one of the only physical things of myself that i actually like 100 %.

number 79

perhaps i have said this before, but i will say it again:

i get really offended when people call me bi. not sure why, i just do.

also it bothers me when people try to convince me i'm wrong. if i say i like girls, i like girls. if i say i don't like guys, i don't like guys. i hate when people try to change my mind, or say i just need to experience more before i decide.
let me find out on my own please.

numer 78

i'm still quite afraid of sharks.

number 77

i really do hate getting asked things about my childhood, or my past in general. if i throw it out there and seem in the mood to talk about shit like that, then go right ahead and ask away.
but if i don't seem to want to talk, don't ask questions.

number 76

i crave perfection in myself, but i don't work for it because i know it'll change me.

blame my grandmother, blame t.v., blame whoever; it's probably the biggest reason why i only see negitives in myself.

number 75

it's almost pathetic how easy i cry

number 74

speaking of showers, i take long showers. [like 45 minute long showers]

this is for many reasons.

1. i shave, everyday

2. i'm very particular with how i wash my hair and such

3. because recently my face has actually been breaking out randomly, i have to wash it more than i ever used to

and 4. is probably the most weird...?

4. i actually have things running through my mind.
an example of this is when i was in 8th grade, i had a presentation to do for english. the morning of my presentation, i made the whole thing up in the shower.
example number 2: the pantomime i did for theatre, the day before it was do, i figured out the whole story line, my actions for it, and such. the music part i had to wait on of course, but the rest i actually figured out in the shower.

number 73

i get the urge to write at the most inapprotune times.

[ex. when mowing the lawn, mopping the floor, taking a shower, ect]

usually, by the time i can write/jot down my thoughts, they've escaped me.

number 72

i have a feeling deep down that my poetry is just failing me. it's all sounding so stupid or just not like it used to. i love my old stuff, but i don't remember how i ever wrote like that.

it only ever seemed to work when i was immensely depressed or angered; it pisses me off when i can't unlock that part of my mind when i feel content.

number 71

as concited as this may sound, i love taking random pictures [yes of myself]

but i do it more to study how i compose my face at the last second possible or see what different expressions may mean/say to me.

this also means i will stand in front of a mirror and make faces at it just to see what they look like and see what they make me think/feel.

number 70

i'm protective of my theatre friends more than a lot of my other friends.


not 100 % sure why though.

number 69

i get so tired of being a dominate person in relationships, but in my mind it only feels right when the dominate one is shower the other with gifts.

i just so happen to be the kind of person who likes spending money on people.

[for example see the picture]

maybe i'm destined to just stay dominate?

:/

number 68

i adore my brother's hair. or maybe i just obsess over it because of his lack of care for his hair. the way i always seem to see it is, if you're gonna have long hair, at least take care of it. one thing that absolutely bothers me, is when i see a guy walking around with hair longer than mine was freshman year, and their hair is all knotted up and greasy looking.

number 67

i tend to drop anything/everything bothering me for my friends if something is really bothering them

number 66

i have to cover every inch of my bread when i put stuff on it, if i don't i just feel weird about it.

number 65

i like crunchy peanut butter, the only problem is i have to put a lot on my bread so i don't rip the bread and peanut butter dries my mouth out way fast.

number 64

i don't like eating hot foods, but 3 of the 4 ways i'll ever eat meat is hot food.
[mongolian bbq, beef stew, mom's homeade cream of chicken soup]

number 63

i can't stand eating breaded food a lot. it makes my mouth feel to dry. i can only stand some bread foods, and for short amounts of time.

number 62

i might have said this before, or at least said it a lot, but when guys randomly start talking to me, i feel like i need to jump behind a wall of stone and cement, while i have a moat of swampy water that has spears pointing up in it, and a bunch of human harming animals in it. i seriously feel the need to distance myself from them for fear of them trying something and me not catching it until they try again.

number 61

maybe i am just making a stupid generalization, but it's something i've seen in a few other people. a lot of people who are libras, like to avoid conflict, and explination to why they act in ways most others would not act. they want to feel excepted in a way, so they try to avoid from pissing people off and they explain their abnormalities. rationalize them.

number 60

i don't know whether to be flattered or annoyed, but i a lot of people seem to like coming out to me, guys and girls. sometimes i think it's like i'm flaming enough that they all find me, and me being the lighthouse i am, i warn them on how to go about it, or i just sit and listen to them confessing everything.

number 59

sometimes i really wish i could be more girly or more boyish so i can stand out a little more. i want to live to the extream by being both girly and boyish. i want people to remember me for how much i could stand out when i wanted to stand out.

number 58

my levels of emotion are a bit off.
my happy and bored are close, they tend to intermingle and make awkward children.
my sad and bored are close too, but not as close as happy and bored.
then there's depressed, which is most people's depressed i guess.
but my happy, is the levels of any normal person's shear excitement is. when i'm happy and jittery, it's my happy, but anyone else's hyper.

number 57

sometimes i really do wish i made more money

number 56

if this country was really founded and made its own individual country in the name of diversity and freedom, it has tainted that name to the utmost degree when i have people at work, who damn the foreigners out of the country for not being "american".

they don't even know the concept to be a "true american" when they just kick everyone out whose slightly fuckin different.

number 55

i absolutely, dispise, with a burning passion and steaming balloon of hate in my core, when people take advantage of how i don't force my beliefs on others. it sickens me how everyone seems to think that if i don't say anything, means i don't have a belief either way, thus meaning they have to convince me to be on their side, or if i've made it obvious that i don't care for their belief [without saying anything to trigger a debate] that they still seem to think they can sway my thoughts to matching their's.

number 54

i like when i'm close to under weight [but still healthy weight] a lot of people in my family have drifted to over weight and stayed there, but when i can get myself at the weight i want and stay there, i feel accomplished and comfortable.

it's even got to the point that when i eat the same but start doing more and i gain weight, even if it's a lie, i tell myself i'm gaining weight from muscule so i don't get discouraged.

number 53

i love being on my meds. i feel more in control and just...at ease with myself almost.

when i'm not in control i end up acting like a child who was never disiplined by their parents, simply because i don't like yelling at myself and telling myself to stop when i'm like that.

number 52

many mornings [or early afternoons] i stop and actually think about if i took my meds or not.

then i end up having to think through my whole morning just to see if i did.

i can never tell the difference in the way i act when i'm on it or not at that exact moment, i can only tell later on when i seem hyper and sleepy as a child who keeps eating buckets and buckets of candy.

number 51

i wonder how the world can be so hateful all the time, especially in our country. the country of acceptance and diversity.

i really do wonder.

number 50

i'm determined to try changing my shampoo and conditioner to see what it'll do to my hair because garnier fructis smells weird to me at times.

number 49

i'm determined to buy a cat/have a cat once sal dies, and it will be my cat, and when i move out, it will go with me.

number 48

there's a weed in my backyard, that's probably about 6 ft.



i'm supreamly jealous.

number 47

all of my psychs have told me time and time again that there is something wrong with me. that i feel i can only be happy if others are, and that's bad for me and my happiness.

as devon has told me, probably a thousand times, i am in control of my own happiness; but i keep thinking i can't truely be happy until everyone around me is absolutely happy, thus bringing my happiness down.

sometimes i wish i could really change that. it's the root of all reasons why people drop me in a second's notice or pull away from me so much, but i'm afraid that if that one thing changes, something else will change that i don't want to loose.

number 46

when i randomly feel optimistic, i try making everyone around feel the same way because i'm afraid of being around someone whose pessimistic when i'm optimistic. i have 2 reasons, thus far, on why.

1. i don't want it to drag my mood down, because i know times like these only roll around when they feel like it.

2. it's just my natural instinct to begin with. i always want to make people happy, but when i'm like this, it's more to the extream.

number 45

i have decided that my eye color looks closest to this. occasionally there's green, but in general, i think that matches it well. usually it's grey and blue that's just randomly mixed, but yea. i think that matches it well.

:]

number 44

i really do feel intimidated probably 90 % of the time
i think it kinda leads into my paranoia and insecurity greatly, but i don't really know how to fix it.

number 43

i have come to realize the method to my madness.

if i feel commited to someone, and i suddenly think i like someone else [not as much as the person i'm commited to obviously] and i know the person i kinda like has no feelings of that nature for myself, then i tell them i like them because i know they'll do one of 2 things.

one: completely didstance themselves from me which would result in those feelings for them to drastically wane.

2: they'll talk to me about it, possibly result in some awkwardness [which if too awkward for them i will put up distance] and usually it helps me confront my feelings for them and suffocate said feelings until it's just a dull roar in my mind which i ignore.

number 42

i really don't like the feeling of being rushed in any way, shape, or form. that's why i wake up at insane hours in the morning to get ready.

number 41

i don't know wheather to call this pride, or not; but when i ever do ask for help on my writing [mainly my poems] i sift through the ideas i'm given and fix what is pointed out if i desire to fix it. sometimes i'll keep the idea i was given in the back of my mind for future reference while writing another poem, but that's it.
perhaps it's my style i like, perhaps it's my form i type them in, i don't know. what i do know is there are somethings i just can't allow myself to change when i follow a critique on a poem of mine. if i have a distinct way i have my poems that makes them stick out in peoples' minds, then i'm sticking with it. i want people to remember them, i couldn't careless if they all know what they're about exactly. i mean honestly, 50 % of the time, when i go back to a really old poem, the only way i know who it's about is by the date i purposely try to remember to put at the top of them. sometimes i even confuse myself by just reading a poem of mine, but it's ok. i like when people have to know me and piece everything together to figure out my poems.

number 40

for some reason, i find studying human behavior and the reasons for it and such, amazing. i love finding reasons why people thing they do, why those actions seem correct in their minds, everything.

but seeing as i usually guess and check, i never want to be a psychologist or anything because i'm afraid of messing up.

number 39

i could waste a day, and never know it, by myself, by just looking at my astrological sign and zodiac sign and how both of them really do make up my character.

number 38

i love looking/feeling more masculine. it means i have confidence though, and i never can find that confidence when i really want it...

number 37

i feel the need to shave my arms daily. [my legs i can kinda deal with]

number 36

i live for other people. making sure they are comfortable, have what they need, and doing everything i humanely [or as close to inhumanely as i can get] can do to make them happy.

number 35

call me what you'd like, but i love knowing i can please someone's physical needs.

[yes i mean that in the way you think i mean it]

number 34

i'm a pyro-fenatic and it seems, that to everyone else, it's "creepy".

number 33

i'm afraid of babies.


until they can walk and/or talk [speaking somewhat clearly] i don't really want to be involved with them.

number 32

i believe every occation, is a different occation.
people say "this is the same as that one time..."
but really, i think it's a lie. everything is unique in it's own way. the people in the situations are different, the conflicts in the situations are different, ect.

everything changes, if just one thing is changed.

number 31

most of the time, the way i solve my problems or get over things, is just by ignoring them, or keeping them to myself.

number 30

joe and i have always seemed to be humble people when it came to anyone
[although i learned how to be a leader when i needed to be while still keeping my humble-ish ness in my personality]
but i have begun to think that, the little bit of humble-ness i posess is the reason i can never seem to take compliments well and reply to them.

number 29

when someone i'm not particularly close with tells me i did something good, i feel embarrassed, but good about myself.

number 28

i know i'm self-image-absorbed. everyone knows that.
i don't need reminding of it.

number 27

i hate not being around friends at something big-ish like warped.

for many reasons really:

1. i always seem to look like a sad, lost puppy looking for their owner, whenever i'm alone

2. i feel unimaginably more insecure when i'm surrounded by people i don't know at places like those

3. if i'm in a pit or something, my friends actually look out for me and make sure someone doesn't kill me [as i do the same for them]

4. again, in a pit or something, i'm surrounded by my friends, and they know me, people aren't looking at me like some weirdo as i get flung from one side of a circle pit to the other side and laugh about it.

and lastly,
5. because in the end, if something happens to a friend of mine, i wanna be one of the first ones to help them, and if not, i wanna be one of the first few to know/see what's going on. i loathe, with a burning passion, hearing what happened through a friend of a friend or something. [i guess that's where my trust issues jump in a little]
also, in the end of it all, i end up beating myself up, thinking "if i had been there..." if i really had been there, i would know i would have tried my hardest and if it wasn't enough, it wasn't enough; but i would have known i still was there and trying.

number 26

sometimes i have random music crazes. like i'll want to listen to regina spektor out of nowhere.

the odd thing is when i come to jazz or classical music. i know like none of the song names so i feel lost when i look for a song i'd like.

number 25

i absolutely hate statistics. they always make me more defensive.

number 24

i hate my hair being it's natural color, with a burning passion. it feels so dull and boring, but i can't find a color i'm allowed that i'd be comfortable with...

thus i think that might be why i obess over my hair as i do. if i can't get a color i'd like, i'll make it styled and feeling as i'd like.

number 23

i love the fact that people say she's changed for the better since we started dating;
but still, whenever i look at the old stuff, from people telling her to get as far from me as possible, i die just a little bit more inside.
i end up feeling this mix of anger, depression, and a pinch of arrogence.

number 22

i push my limits a lot of the time. if something weights more than me, and i really want to lift it, i will try until i either succeed or become so physically exhausted that i'll probably pass out.

number 21

i obsess over muscules. even when i was younger, i wanted to have a toned fit body, and not with like those abnormally gross looking bicepts, but muscular bicepts.

number 20

when people say "oh you and _____ are just so cute together"
[this is for any person i've ever been close with]

i feel happy that they approve,
but also uncomfortable because i can never tell if they're being sarcastic.

number 19

i've found that being a bar aid/bar bitch is fun for me. if we had more business, it'd be better, but still, it's fun.

number 18

i always was unsure of why i felt so close to lauren collins at the end of the school year [07-08 year]

and i came up with some reasons why...

1. because during the women she was the only senior [with the exception of kaylin] who showed me some respect and she remained quite level headed when something seemed off tech wise

2. because after the women she still seemed to show me at least some respect [more than most of the other seniors]

3. because she had become my role model when it came to stagemanaging

4. because she never babied me when i complained. everyone always complains about how she acts like such a bitch or whatever, but she just tells it like it is. she doesn't hold back. whenever i did complain i would almost always know someone would be there to baby me, but she didn't and for some reason it made me happy.

5. because she always seemed to make me see how i could fix things, made me feel like i could actually change things, and that made me not give a fuck about what everyone else was saying. she made me jump into my optimistic mood out of nowhere and i'd stay that way for a while.

number 17

i don't really remember my age anymore.
i remember it as i'm 2 years younger than joe, and joe is 2 years older than me, so when someone askes for either one i have to stop and seriously think it out and count.

number 16

a lot of the time i don't use big words in writing or typing simply because i know my spelling is horrifying.

number 15

i can't STAND saying the word "y'all". i know people who say it, i am cool with people who say it, i don't think lowly of the people who say it, just when i say it or type it, i feel like i'm dumbing myself down more than normal.

number 14

i hate when people at work always complain about the foreigners who work with us. yea, some of them might not be the best workers, but suck it up or leave. i always hear a comment that sounds derrogetory coming from my co workers and it makes me feel so uncomfortable/paranoid/insecure.

number 13

i have come to the sudden realization that my dear cat, is getting to be old. about the same age my first cat was when he died. it seriously makes me cry thinking about it. i know i'm going to sound stupid saying this, but that cat has made one of the bigger impacts on my life. i seriously could be holding back tears, and he just knows to walk up and purr til i pet him and start to calm down. i could be pissed beyond belief, and he knows if he should let it run its course, or if he should distract me.
i love that cat.
i really do wonder how i'll be without him...

number 12

i hate saying i'm atheist and/or a lesbian around anyone i know who heavily believes in a religion [ex. a dedicated christian] even if they haven't shown a problem with me before hand. i end up becoming afraid of the feel of our ideas clashing. plus there's the fact that i despise flaunting about my thoughts and beliefs, i know they're not "better" than anyone elses, and i try not to act to show that i think otherwise.

number 11

i like when i see people who all find beauty in different ways/forms.
a good example is danielle boudreau. she finds beauty in the human body, but it's not shallow minded in how she finds it. she sees the beauty in feet, even though she doesn't like feet really. she see the beauty in hands, in just the physical body in general. i feel so...excited when i know people like her that are out there. it's refreshing to know someone else sees beauty in different places/ways. i like that when i meet someone...

number 10

i have a slight, sudden fear of going into water alone, or when i'm not surrounded by people i know well.

also, i hate not being about to see around myself in the water. yes, that does mean in dark parts of water, or just muggy water.

number 9

when a guy hits on me, i feel so weird. i become mixed on what to do. naturally, i'm a flirty person. i flirt when someone flirts with me, but with guys my instinct tells me not to because they might take it seriously. guys really do make me feel uncomfortable when they're around me and/or hitting on me...

number 8

i have a fear of ceiling fans. i always think they'll fall and crush me when they're on high...

number 7

i hear from a lot of people [not only my parents] that i could pull off any style, seriously, and people could believe it. there is no doubt in my mind of that.
many times, from my parents, i hear "i don't see why you broaden yourself and try another style that helps bring yourself out more"
i've found i bring my personality out quite a bit in what i wear. i wear very dark or neutral colors, and some bold colored accents. my personality is open enough that i can't just wear one style and one color all the time. neutral just shows that my point of view hasn't been decided yet and when it has been decided i don't look misleading.
same thing goes for the scent i want for the day.

example: i've come to realize that when i feel like wearing more blue or watery colors, thus defining me in more of a flowing mood/personality, i'd want to wear axe essence or axe kilo. both are strong scents that make me think/feel more flowy or just chill.

number 6

i don't really like meeting new people, i usually have to be the one whole does the wild and crazy shit to break the ice and make them remember me. i read them as well as possible and see wht i should and shouldn't do, but with all of her friends, i don't have to and i love it.

number 5

i hide my insecurity in my boyish ness.

number 4

i don't trust other generations.
the way i see it, is louis quatorze [14] screwed over not only louis 15, but also louis 16.
yes, we're in a different form of government, but that doesn't change the fact that our previous generation or so, have basically shat on us and are getting away with it. we're playing the role of louis 15, trying to rebuild what louis quatorze fucked up. too bad we'll die before we're finished.

number 3

i complain...a lot. but i don't complain to change anything anymore because i'm afraid to.
i've begun to think that yes, everything happens for a reason, and if you force something just to make yourself happy for now, you'll get fucked over later. you screwed over nature's little path, and then karma comes around and kicks you in the ass so you can fall face first in the mudd and horse shit of the side of nature's path...

number 2

of all the people who have ever motivated me to become better in my life, to be optimistic, ect.
there has only ever been one who i didn't like at some point in a way that i wanted to be with her.
it bothers me that i never got to know her, or talked to her more than i did, but she did a great deal of help in my life, and i sometimes regret telling her that, but i also fear telling her might bother her.

number one

i've fallen in love, seriously, maybe 3 times in my life.
i still find myself thinking about each of them in some way. the only guy in that group, i think about him and end up just thinking about defending him and keeping him safe from everyone being a dick to him.